Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Our Hero Goes to SubStop

Today, while Our Hero was watching TV, he saw a very special commercial. The commercial was for SubStop, America's favorite sandwich restaurant store. Some of his favorite celebrities eat at SubStop, such as SubStop Ryan, the man who lost over 15 pounds eating only sandwiches from the SubStop Restaurant fast food sandwich store. This particular SubStop sandwich commercial featured one of his all time favorite celebrity musicians, Dono from the hit group, O4. Dono was surrounded by many special needs children who all loved him! Then Dono said, "eat the new SubStop rat dick sandwich. All of the procedes go to special needs children so they can eat cow testicle sandwiches and lose 15 pounds." Our Hero was so moved by this commercial that he shed a tear and some pre-ejaculatory fluid.

Later that day, at SubStop, Our Hero asked for the rat dick sandwich. The Sub Specialist at the counter looked at him really funny and said they didn't have rat dick sandwiches and he would have to leave. Our Hero replied that it was okay if they were out and he would take a tuna fish semen sandwhich instead. After this, the manager told him he had to leave.

Our Hero figured that all of the SubStops must be out of rat dick sandwiches because of the overwhelming popularity of Dono and his special needs kids. Then he thought that if he played guitar like Dono's friend, The Ledge, he could attract rat dick sandwiches. Our Hero started to play his electric guitar really loud. All of a sudden tons of rat dicks and special needs children began following him. Then he told the special needs kids to make the rat dick sandwiches. The special needs kids wouldn't go away until they got to touch Our Hero's testicles. The rat dick sandwiches were so beautiful, Our Hero couldn't even eat them.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Our Hero Smells Like Fish

On his way home from school, our hero got beat up by some troublemakers. When asked why they were beating him up, one of the trouble makers said, "this kid smells like fish." Our Hero smelled his under-arms and realized that he did indeed smell like fish. Our Hero decided he would look into this. He thought it might have something to do with the kid who was renting a room from his parents. The kid was a fish from the local pond who had some business to conduct for a couple weeks in town.

When Our Hero arrived home he saw the kid eating some fish soup at the table. "Hey man," said the kid. "Hey" said our hero. He sat across from the kid and looked at his eyes. His eyes were all fishy. Our Hero went to his bedroom and his bed was all slimy and smelled like fish. "What's all that slimy fishy stuff on my bed," asked Our Hero. The kid mumbled something that sounded like "ishermn." "What?," asked our Hero. "I said FISH SEMEN, alright?" responded the kid. Our Hero thought it was gross that the fish who was a guest in his home was nutting all over his bed.

Later that evening Our Hero told his mom about the fish semen and the kid was kicked out. Later they found out that the fish replaced all their water supply with fish juice which was why Our Hero smelled so much like fish and got beat up as a result. One night after their water was restored to normal, Our Hero invited some of the trouble makers over for dinner and they ate some fish smothered in fish semen sauce. Their testicles smelled like fish for a whole week after that.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Our Hero Goes on a Date

Last night Our Hero went on a date with a girl from his neighborhood. He first asked her out because he liked that she had a slightly asymetrical face and smelled like water bugs and cold metal. They went to a Chinese food restaraunt which was a compromise for Our Hero because although he does not like Chinese food, he is okay with Chinese people. His date apparently liked both. After the food they went to see Christmas with the Kranks. During the film, Our Hero gently put his hand on his date's breast and whispered in her ear, informing her that he was wearing a male chastity belt. This seemed to please his date very much.

After the movie Our Hero's date came home with him. In his bedroom, she immediately jumped on his bed. "I want you to dry-hump me!" she said. Our Hero became quite excited, but then remembered his chastity belt. "Hold on a second baby," he said, "let me get the key to my chastity belt." After twenty minutes, he tore his whole room apart looking for the key. He couldn't find it. Meanwhile, Our Hero's date was growing impatient and she began to dry-hump a pillow. "Leave the pillow alone," said Our Hero. "I will find the key soon." "Hurry up, lover," said his date. "I can't wait too much longer!" Our Hero quickly took the pillow away from her. When his date began eyeing his pet turtle, Our Hero agreed to dry-hump with the chastity belt still locked around his genitals.

He didn't feel anything at first, but when the belt started to move a little he felt some friction between his starving erection and the impentrable hard plastic of his chastity belt. After forty-five minutes Our Hero finally exploded within the cramped cup that entrapped his penis and testicles. He never found the key.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Our Hero Meets Tevin Spacley

This afternoon our hero watched K-PAX on TV. He thought it was an excellent film. It was an intruiging science fiction story, but with a human element as well. Our Hero was especially touched when Jim Pritches began communicating with his estranged son. It made him think of his dad. The film also blurred the boundaries between sanity and madness. Our Hero also liked the comic aspect of the film. Since Tevin Spacely was from another planet, he didn't understand certain earthly customs, so he ate an entire unpeeled banana!! Our Hero loved the cool and nonchalant manner in which Tevin Spacley would talk about his home planet, K-PAX. It made him seem really cool, especially because he wore sunglasses throughout the whole move. At the end, you just don't know if Tevin Spacley is crazy or if he is really from K-PAX.

Our Hero decided that there must be a K-PAX 2. It would be called "K-PAX 2: Return to K-PAX, A True Story." Even though it wasn't a true story, people might like it better because people like true stories about alien visitors. Tons of people tuned in for Alien Autopsy and Jessica Lynch. Our Hero began writing letters to Tevin Spacley. He found his address in the phone book. Who would have known that he lived in Our Hero's town! He was listed under the name, "Marvin Rosenthal." Our Hero was smart enough to know that Tevin Spacley does not act under his real name, and the name Marvin Rosenthal was so similar that he figured they must be one in the same.

He began sending Tevin drafts of K-PAX 2. In the second installment, the idea of K-PAX as a society is further developed. For example, instead of eating a hot dog and making it into poo, people from K-PAX eat poo and it turns into hot dogs. He didn't decide how many hot dogs the poo would turn into or if they would have ketchup or mustard or sourkraut. These are the kinds of detail that the actors can bring to life. On K-PAX, people are more like fish in that they live underwater like in Searching for Meno. On K-PAX, the enemies are the sharks and fishermen. Life is a struggle on K-PAX. On K-PAX everyone is poor and K-PAX is run by the mafia. In the movie, Jim Pritches and his son get beamed to K-PAX. Most people recognize them as strangers so they capture them and put them in a K-PAXian prison, which to the humans is not prison at all because on K-PAX, prison resembles what earthlings know as a party. Jim and his son think they are at a welcoming party but they get executed before Tevin can save them.

Our Hero continued to send his script to Mr. Rosenthal, but he did not reply. One day, Our Hero decided to go to Tevin's house. Afterall, it was only a few blocks away. Our Hero knocked on the door. A fat, balding man answered the door. -Hello, Mr. Rosenthall, said Our Hero, have you read the scripts? -You the kid whose been sending me stuff in the mail? he asked. -Yes, replied Our Hero. Mr. Rosenthal thought for a moment and said, -I'll give you five bucks if you let me suck your dick. Our Hero was so happy that he could have flown to K-PAX.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Our Hero Starts Working Out

Today, when Our Hero was watching TV, he realized that he had to get in shape. Hoprah was looking particularly fine these days, and although Dr. Bill was kind of fat, his wife had some nice titties and Dr. Bill always helped those fat ladies get skinny. It was hard to know what to do to get fit, because it seemed that everyone was telling Our Hero something different. Although he was a big fan of Dr. Atkins, Our Hero didn't like his diet because you are not supposed to drink Coca Cola. Our Hero loves Coca Cola. In the morning, he washes his face and brushes his teeth with Coca Cola. In the evening he drinks Coca Cola with his dinner and feeds it to his pet turtle. Sometimes the TV will tell you just to drink a milkshake twice a day or eat Lean Cuisine or Hot Pockets or SubStop all of the time. Paul McDonald tells you to eat the hamburgers and fries from his store.

Our Hero decided to do what everyone agrees will help: work out. He got a membership to Bally's but he had to sign a contract first. Our Hero doesn't like to put on gym shorts because people can see his massive behind through the thin cotton fabric. In addition, Our Hero has very large testicles and a very small peepee, so it looks like one regular sized behind in front of him and one massive behind in the back.

On the way into the gym, Our Hero passed through the locker room. He saw Mr. Winters, nude, monsterbating in the shower. Our Hero couldn't help but watch his enemy's gludial muscles flex and release as he attacked himself. Our Hero watched until spurts of dark red syrup splattered against the shower wall. Mr. Winters, heaving for air, turned around and gave Our Hero a knowing glance. Our Hero, semi-aroused, made his way to the Gym....

Monday, December 27, 2004

Our Hero Makes a Booby Trap

This morning Our Hero was watching television when one of his favorite movies came on, Home Alone with Sir Macaulay Culkin. Most people don't know that he was actually knighted by the Queen of England. Out Hero trys to remind himself and others about this as much as he can. Macaulay, he explains, was knighted on the same day as Paul McCartney and he was just before him in line to get knighted because their names, alphebetically, are just next to each other. Anyway, Our Hero's favorite parts are the booby traps that the kid makes to ward off the burglers. He doesn't like the parts with the old guy and the spiders because he doesn't like old men or spiders. Our Hero decided to make his own booby trap. It would be a fun practical joke that he could play on his mom or his brothers. First, he smeared butter and canola oil on the kitchen floor. Then whoever walked on it would slip and break their neck. He tenuously hung a knife from the ceiling so that the impact of the fall would make the knife fall and the knife would puncture their throat or lungs. He couldn't think of anything else to do so he figured that he would just take a hammer and break their shins himself. Our Hero waited and waited for someone to come home but no one came. He waited for hours and hours. Our Hero didn't want the booby trap to go to waist, so he walked in it himself. Just when he was afraid no one would be there to break his shins, his pet turtle came and shattered all of the bones in his legs with the hammer. Our Hero smiled as his pet turtle began to lick his erection.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Our Hero Makes a Call

After watching about forty-five minutes of Real World vs. Road Rules challenge, Our Hero remembers something he forgot to do. Our Hero carefully checks to see if his parents and brothers are off the phone and out of view. He picks up the phone and dials the number 1-900-HOTCHIX. When the lady on the phone was talking all sexy he grimaced and put his fingers in his ears. Gross, he thought. When the time came, he dialed his secret extention, which cannot be published on the internet because it is a secret. This extention connected him to a terrorist training camp in Libya.
-Hallo, boss? said the voice on the other end.
-Ibrahim, are they still alive? asked Our Hero
-Yes, barely, replied Ibrahim
-Okay, keep them alive but make them suffer
-Yessir.
Our Hero hangs up the phone. He turns on the TV to see if his show is over. Our Hero doesn't like the Real World but he likes the Road Rules. He would like to be on the Road Rules one day. They always have sexy men and women with brown skin from living in places like Florida, California, Africa, and Hawaii. He would make his own road rules. Rule number one: anything is possible if you put your mind to it.